hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
