My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
