he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
