I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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