Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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