in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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