i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
