I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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