you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
