I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize