he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
