Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize