God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
