And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
