u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
