you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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