why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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