sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
