i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
