EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
