she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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