Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
