You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
