I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
