i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
