just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Me too!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
