She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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