why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have tasted many bathrooms
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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