so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
