i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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