Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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