I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
