pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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