I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
