I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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