Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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