My brain says no but my pants say off.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
