Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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