So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
