Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
