i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
