he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
