he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
