: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
