New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize