I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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