____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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