it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
