Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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