she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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