Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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