She is in my trunk
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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