lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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