How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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