hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
