you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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